It has come to my attention that I might not be young anymore. Its seems that after a recent night club outing that I may not be fit for such endeavors. Here is my advise if you choose to go on this type of outing
Research:
1)Know what sort of club it is & what you should wear. Note death metal night is not a good time to wear a polo
1.2) If the theme or name of club has any of the following words in the title consider your involvement a "Maybe": hardcore, deathly, gangster, huppy, softcore, dirty, hammer, dolly, purple, fish, super danger fire.
Fashion:
2) Try your outfit on the day before you go out; don't wait till an hour before. One reason is that those leather pants you wore for Halloween 4 years ago may not fit. (Also leather pants don't have front pockets & leave no room for your keys, wallet, phone, and your unmentionables.) With this in mind having muffin top cover your studded belt in no way will pass as sexy.
2.5) make sure you are comfortable in your outfit; it should not be the kind of outfit that will get your beat up on your own stoop. If you do not take this to heart at least try and wear things without hooks or rings. Hooks & rings can be use to turn you into a human pinata.
2.7) sub fashion: don't wear netted shirts. It was good for the cutie next door, but when your the only one in it on goth night, your lame.
Timing:
3) clubs open late. I mean late late; Like past when your going to stay up watchin TV while your girlfriend falls asleep. The Colbert Report is not one late!
3.2) Again, clubs open late. So when you arrive at 9pm (doors at 10 or 11p) and are standing outside alone, your lame and exposed. The people at the Chinese restaurant next door will let you know this. (Note Chinese food makes black look bad and is hard to whip out; please smelling like Chinese food sucks.)
Dancing
4) for god sakes no one knows how to Madison. And that swing you think you know, doesn't fly as club dancing. Also, nsync moves are not cool, nor are Justin timperlakes unless your Justin timperlake. Leave choreography to professionals. Do not attempt anything you saw from the Fly Girls on In Living Color. They had J-Lo. No Cabbage patch!
4.2) If you can't dance be in charge of drinks. Get people so liquored up they won't know you can't dance.
4.4) stepping side to side like a junior high slow dance is also not dancing
4.5) Refrain from saying: "I'm gonna get my grove on", "Rockin", "it's hammer time", "work it", and "I'm a disco machine"
Singing:
5. Singing non theme nights is unacceptable outside of "decade nights". Example; you can sing "you spin me like a record baby" only on 80's or modern night. You cannot sing this song on hip hop night. It does not make sense. Plus people shouldn't sing. You're there to dance. Few places in NYC have a dance license, you can go to karaoke next week.
Ordering
6) don't be an ass. If it's not a beer place don't freak out cause they don't have Six Point. Your life of drinking alone at your local pub does not validate all bars having your beverage.
6.1) Ask what are in the nights specials. If the cocktail does not say what's in it, your to grown up to drink it. This includes anything with lots of sugar.
6.3) No shots. If you are not use to dancing & drinking all the time you'd be advised to not take the shot. This, as well as the sugar drinks is a lesson best not learned.
Communications:
7) you have not gotten smoother as you've gotten old. Best to stay near your friends, cause those pretty/handsome people don't need you, an "irregular", using your best pickup line. (Note even though most of these people are young, old 80's movie pickup lines are definitely a no no. Molly Ringwald does not go to clubs, and besides you only had a chance in a dream with her type of girl. Also see anthony micheal hall)
7.1) If you want to get the 411 on your friend might I suggest a coffee shop. You already say "whhat" a lot outside the club, you need not say it 4 times for one sentence.
7.3) Just nod and ask people if they want a drink<-this is your best asset
7.3) Don't ask other people to dance. Cause it can be assumed, you can't dance. I mean it. You can't dance.
7.5) Never reference Hanson or Parent trap. Either version.
Wall Hanging
8) This is a good spot for you cause you look like you might have been dancing, have a chance to sip your drink, and are just out of the way like you belong.(best to stay near the wall cause your tallest friend convinced you to break the drinking rule)
8.1) This is not a strip club and since it is not please put your eyes back in your head. Sure these people apart of the theme night clockwork orange seem like they would be ok with you staring at their whitey tighties, but no. Know that the younger looking people have bigger & stronger "friends" that will make sure your viewing white eyes become black.
8.5) Don't pick a wall near a speaker or a bathroom. Both have dire repercussions on your senses.
8.7) sitting in the same place all night is creepy. Remember to move around and get your friends drinks
8.8) when against a wall hands partially in the pockets is okay. Putting your hands deep in your pockets because your sweating so much will only make your hands sweat more and will make you a perve.
8.9) don't talk to the wall. No matter how much "Mad Mango Martini" you've had
Navigations:
9) don't go to the back room. You were to young and now your to old
9.1) Pick a floor with a lot of people on it, but don't loose your friends.
9.3) know how to get around the really big people and maintain distance from them, they could be a "normal" like you
Exit
10 ) now that you have spent a night embarrising yourself its time to go. Please exit through the way you came in and don't trip over the stanchines (dumbass). If you do, do not declare it has attacked you and ripped your leather pants. The fact that the people waiting to get in know your crazy and see you went commando. Try not to cry and know that assless chaps would have been great on anyone else but you.
10.3) ask for your money & ID from your friends bra. You will need cash to get home
10.5) make sure you have not gotten a date or given out your number. Have your friend write down the answer to these questions. This will help you the next morning.
10.51) also your in trouble with your girlfriend, your friend screwed you
The Next Day
11) Try and take a shower
11.2) Your meeting started 2 hours ago
11.4) say you your sick and lie lie lie. "You watched the daily show last night, John Stewart is sure funny"
11.6) When you raise up from your desk with the split spiderwebbing to your desk, know that your boss, even while yelling is trying to read the backward stamp on your face that orginally came from your hand.
11.9) Heed my words. Never write this in your blog!
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